Truthin' it up

The problem with most horror movies can be summed up by comparing the goals of protagonists to those in other genres.

Adventure (Indiana Jones): explore the globe, find awesome shit, punch Nazis, save the day, set unrealistically high hopes for anyone majoring in Archaeology.

Action (The Matrix): punch the hell out of everything, look cool doing it, save the day, unravel the conspiracy, get the girl/guy.

Comedy (The Hangover): resolve goofy situation, tell jokes, try not to be Adam Sandler.

Romance: I don't think I've ever seen a straight romance (I know, phrasing). Does Romancing the Stone count? It does? Okay, try to nail Michael Douglass.

And finally

Horror: Try not to get murdered for an hour and half.

Do you see the basic problem? 



Also: the podcast will be back this week. I plan to take a week off every couple of episodes so I'm less likely to burn out (which has happened, I think, seven times now). I'll warn ye next time it happens.

Space Lies

Another episode of "Fuck it, I'm busy", featuring the new movie Star Trek: Into Darkness. In pictures. Spoilers.

...

Ahem.

FUCKIN' LENS FLAAARE, YEEEAAHH

 

 OMINOUS AS SHIT UP INS

BREAKIN' THE LAW

LET'S START A WAR

START A NUCLEAR WAR

WHERE THE FUCK IS CHEKHOV, AND DOES HE HAVE HIS GUN

 

 AH SHIT, ALL THESE GODDAM FEELIN'S!

DON'T TASE ME, BRO!

THE END!...?

Doubting Thomasii

The Podcast. Because, unlike Harry Shearer, we don't need the French to help us name things.



At least now I know I can't farm out the introductory sentence to J.R. anymore. Le sigh.

The Links!

If you want to learn more about the situation and upcoming trial of Bradley Manning:
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/11/us/military-tightens-media-rules-in-leaks-case.html?_r=0
http://www.kcrw.com/etc/programs/ls/ls130503le_show_-_may_5_2013

Adam Kokesh article
http://www.salon.com/2013/05/03/a_march_on_washington_with_loaded_rifles/
The Call to Action
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NriOZ6ofj_Q

http://politicalwire.com/archives/2013/05/12/quote_of_the_day.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PoliticalWire+%28Political+Wire%29&utm_content=FaceBook

http://www.smbc-comics.com/?db=comics&id=2825#comic
I still think about being Jedi Batman more than I probably should.

No, you're not

A new installment of "Fuck it, I'm busy", featuring Iron Man 3.

...



You're busy? You are busy? Fuck you! What are you doing with your life that's so damn important? Go see Iron Man!

Spoilers ahead, you dumb bastards.

This article got me thinking, mainly how, despite their similarities, Rises and IM3 were completely  different movies. Iron Man was good, Rises was a bat-shaped turd (if you notice your poo is bat-shaped, see a doctor immediately). And the above article helps point out, through their similarities, how one failed and the other succeeded.

The first point is internal logic. For Stark, the events of Avengers occurred a few months ago, and he's naturally sorta fucked up about nearly dying. For Wayne, Rachel Dawes died eight years ago, and I guess now we know Batman's superpower is a complete overreaction to death. There's also how they go about their jobs: Stark uses a virtual crime scene to find clues, Batman makes a superneat floor that comes out of the water. Stark uses his strengths (building shit) to overcome his weaknesses (PTSD). Batman figures out that he has to punch the end boss in the big, glowing weak point on his face.

And the villains. I can see this being a sore point for fans of either comic, but really, for the film, Iron Man's switch made sense. There are indicators throughout the movie that the Mandarin is not the real threat, that point to who he really is. And the big bad, initially set up as the dragon (search those on tv tropes if you're not sure what I mean) gets more than enough build-up to serve well as the main villain who's simply been hiding.

The switch in Rises is the film's biggest fuckup, even more so than Batman taking a couple hours to paint a giant bat on the bridge instead of finding a bomb. It's foreshadowed, by Talia asking constantly, "Hey, remember that bomb? Where's that bomb? Can you tell me how to activate the bomb?" Worse, when the switch comes, it's irrelevant. All else, aside, Iron Man's villain was competent, using the Mandarin as a distraction. Bane, seemingly the main villain in Rises, is competent, to a point - until he leaves Batman alive for no reason. That's explained away by Talia being a bigger idiot than Trevor, the actor who played the Mandarin. When a washed-up, stoner actor has more genuine menace (and is more memorable: I did not remember Talia's fake name, or much about her character) then something is wrong.

There are other similarities, but most are so superficial that they don't matter. The last one that does is the idea of the past coming back to haunt the heroes. Again, with Batman the idea falls flat. Iron Man is hit by his dickish nature, and, oddly, his intelligence, as he was able to solve, while drunk, a problem another scientist has fucked up for over a decade. Batman, meanwhile was hit by... putting criminals away? Lying about events in order to break the mob's absolute power over his city, allowing kids, like that asshole Blake (who gives Gordon shit about this) to grow up in a city where they aren't automatically slotted for murder or jail time. The idea that Batman's "sins" are coming back to haunt him makes no sense, especially as the other options are "let the bad guys win" or "blow up the city". Iron Man wins, Batman loses.

Why are you here? Go see Iron Man 3 again!

You asked, we answered... eventually

Yay, podcast



American Innovation - I think this is the article James - JR references, which is troubling. Because it's the Onion, and this indicates my new correspondent is not the best at differentiating between fact and fiction. Which makes his "I may or may not be a fictional character" comment less amusing, and more ominous.

Mark Them Calenders

Enjoy the next segment in "Fuck it, I'm busy" as I summarize From a Buick 8, by Stephen King, for your lack of reading enjoyment.

Trying to get a leg up on Toyota, Buick creates a car with more mayhem potential than a toddler with a stick. Then they park it at a gas station in rural Pennsylvania and leave. Some state cops end up with the car, and quickly discover it's magic, super science, or both (probably both, it is Stephen King writing this). After it transports a beloved officer to another world, which he never returns from, the troopers of Troop D decide that Jesus wants them keep the Tardis and turn scientist.

This group of hick cops spends several decades staring at it through dirty windows in the shed where they stashed it, using it to kill small animals, and as a bitchin' 4th of Juluau fireworks display. The experiments they conduct focus mainly on vomiting and murder, and later on telling all this as a long, rambling story to a kid who wanted to hear stories about his dead father. But to be fair, it is a Friday night in rural Pennsylvania.

Realizing that the alien machine should be turned over to proper authorities, destroyed, or just not be in the hands of a bunch of dipshits who often forget they have it, the kid takes Plan B (wink). The cop telling the story stops him, and the end.

Seriously, though.

Podcast returns tomorrow (I still have three minutes until it's technically Sunday) with a new correspondent! We're very excited to have him, and hope you will enjoy his rambling, psychotic dissertations as well.

News?

Moving to Texas (did I mention that?) was long, arduous, and worst of all my route included Arkansas, the worst state in any Union, ever. I think we included it because it cried and Wyoming wouldn't shut up about how mean the rest of the states were being.

Worse, but not worst, was moving Bill down here too. He is a heavy bastard, and he conveniently evaded having to help (even moving his own shit) by being dead. Again! It doesn't help that Texas has fewer witch doctors than Kentucky did, and bringing him back to life took forever. But, here he is, and apparently he learned about "the internet" while in the afterlife-ish. Not sure what he thought I was doing with his reports before now, unless he has a more deluded sense of self-worth than I thought, and believed they were on television or something.

I bitch, but he is the best reporter I can afford right now.

Bill is on Twitter, because that's a thing, and he's already following Anderson Cooper, so I'm sure we'll see a lawsuit for defamation of character or outright libel at some point. If you want to follow Bill, search

morebetternews

or just Bill Summerson. And Godspeed. You'll need it.