Good news, Everyone

This is for Everyone, not for you.

The podcast returns this Sunday, with special news. Until then, updates containing various content with smarmy titles.

I'm considering this as a new segment, called: "Fuck it, I'm busy". In it, I'll summarize recent books, movies, and other fun things that you don't have time for, taking them upon myself instead. This week, Oblivion, starring Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, British Wife, and Space Wife.

To summarize Oblivion:

The spaceghost of Steve Jobs travels ten thousand years into the future and creates the ultimate, spacefaring Ipod. However, it loses control, and the Ipod travels back to save the Land Before Time, but is too late to rescue Littlefoot. And since, even in the future, Apple is kind of an asshole company, the Ipod decides that content for earth should be restricted to Tom Cruise and the babies he'll make with the hottest British woman Americans will see, outside of Amy Pond's actress.

It also drains the sea, because whales.

Morgan Freeman makes a delightful cameo as Space Christ, even though no one seems sure exactly why he's there. In the end, we are left thinking that Tom would have been better off with British Wife, as Space Wife is kind of a slut, and the baby he makes with her is fucking ugly.

Check back in a day or two, once I think up something else.

Things to Hate

I felt I had a pretty good run with laziness, then this happened.

Twilight is God's punishment for a sinful world (even if you've never read the book you have to deal with the people who either a) LOVE IT!!!!! or b) object to people loving it). Presumably, 50 Shades of Grey is the devil just fucking with us. Like Job, but crueler. And after reading the synopsis for the latter novel, I've found out you can hate a book you've never read.

Synopsis: a brief or condensed statement giving a general view of some subject. Regarding novels, equal parts sales pitch and summary. It has to make you want the book, by providing enough information to be useful, yet still intrigue the reader. A few examples: 

Harry Potter: Wizard kid fights magic Hitler.

Watership Down: dire prophecy drives rabbits to find a new warren, where they fight Rabbit Hitler.

The Lord of the Rings: Unusual heroes quest to destroy Satan-Hitler's source of power. 

With that in mind, let's review 50 Shades's solely by its synopsis.

"Romantic, liberating and totally addictive, Fifty Shades of Grey is a novel that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you for ever."
 
Ballsy claims, but hey, go big or go home.

"When literature student Anastasia Steele interviews successful entrepreneur Christian Grey, she finds him very attractive and deeply intimidating" 

Aaand I'm already angry. Aside from the retardedly vague "successful entrepreneur" bit, the second part of the sentence breaks the one rule you shouldn't - show, don't tell. It's strange that this line made it past the editors and into the synopsis, because it makes the novel sound like shitty fanfic- oh. Anyway, it wouldn't surprise me if the first lines of the book were "Christian Grey sat across from Anastasia, and she felt a deep attraction to him, yet also intimidated." Because fuck description, right?

"Convinced that their meeting went badly, she tries to put him out of her mind – until he turns up at the store where she works part-time, and invites her out.

Unworldly and innocent, Ana is shocked to find she wants this man. And, when he warns her to keep her distance, it only makes her want him more."

Plot problems. Plot problems in the goddam synopsis. Grey looks her up, asks her out, then tells her to fuck off? What? Has stupid bullshit gone airborne? And while all romance novels cater to a select audience, the fanfic vibe is even stronger here. Steele (I can't say her first name again, it kills me), inexplicably interviewing a businessman while being an English major, is convinced the plot's not going to happen. Grey shows up to make it goddam happen, saving our heroine from making a decision. Then he says no, thanks, but coherent storytelling isn't a high priority.  And we're back to the beginning of the book.

"But Grey is tormented by inner demons, and consumed by the need to control. As they embark on a passionate love affair, Ana discovers more about her own desires, as well as the dark secrets Grey keeps hidden away from public view …"

If there is a god, he's not on our side.

Telling rather than showing in that first sentence. Other than that, this would actually work as a synopsis if it stood alone. Unfortunately, it reverses the decisions of the last paragraph, and provides no context for the change. As we already know Grey pushed Steele away, the "passionate love affair" sounds like so much wish-fulfillment, and has as much credibility as a thirteen-year-old hiding a crusty sock. And fuck you, guy, for pulling "Ana" out. No. If her name is going to be as terrible as "Anastasia" you fucking well call her that. Shortening it is for pussies who committed to a retarded name before they thought it through.

And with this handy review, we now conclude that 50 Shades  must be a terrible book, because Jesus, lookit it. If they couldn't keep their shit together for three paragraphs specifically designed to make the book look good, what chance does it have?

 

B===D--- A new love story by Shakespeare

My own particular bullshit

A friend recently posted a note that he is dissatisfied with the current political state, and (perhaps jokingly) suggested he would run for president when he is eligible. I know and like this guy (to prerequisites for being friends) and I've thought along similar lines. Why, if America is in such dire straits that we can't get a budget passed without a political showdown, should I not throw my hat in the ring and magically make it all better?

I think this is like the idea people get in their heads when they can make their buddies laugh - "I should go into comedy". "I can talk about politics - maybe I should run for office." And with as much shit as I'll talk about both parties, maybe I should insert money where I've previously only put my mouth.

Hmmm. I guess that homoerotic innuendo fits. Anyone who talks such has tasted at least the tip of the glorious, glittery cock of corporate media politics. And that's the problem. If I went in, as I am now, putting aside the ludicrously low chance of winning (and complete lack of knowledge of how to win) I'd be like a liberal Tea Party. And that's not helpful (the motto of this podcast is, of course, "Fuck it and fuck you").

And if I could put aside my anger and recalcitrance, I'd at best end up like any other politician. I don't like the anti-gay-marriage laws in place, but they're coming down, albeit slowly. That, apparently, is how things work in a democracy. The people support the bad laws their representatives create, until they don't, and then the laws are overturned. As tempting as it would be to try and "fix" everything, even if it were possible (and it's not) it wouldn't be the will of the people. You can't make people be good or kind. At best, you can try to keep them from getting worse.

And that's assuming I didn't become corrupt. I know myself moderately well, and I, like many others, see myself as the hero, never the villain. It's usually not until after the fuck up that I realize I was a real douchetard. And even that level of introspection doesn't fly in politics. You've got to be right, someone else has to be wrong, or you won't stand a chance. And if you can't get elected, not only will your brilliant vision not come to pass, but some bastard's horrible plan will be implemented. So tell a little lie. Exaggerate a bit. It's all for the greater good (and hey, you can make a few bucks off of it).

This, then, is my own particular brand of bullshit; Famous Anus, of course. For all your baking needs.

Update:

Of course, I do think some of my friends are suited for helping run the country well. Here's a prototype campaign poster I thunk up:

He keeps his campaign promises.

I think I is broken

I've talked before about vidyergeeme morals and such, but I think I'm broken now. Spec Ops: the Line started my descent and now Dishonored has destroyed my ability to indiscriminately murder.

It's tough to rationalize.

In Bioshock you have to kill a fuckload of people, but it's cool, they're junkies. They attack you. The choices made are between being a cock and not being a cock (which doesn't actually make you a good person). This is true for most games: the player is thrust into a situation which requires a healthy pile of bodies to surmount.

Spec Ops is the same way, but it asserts that, because you, the player, chose to play the game at all you are fundamentally flawed as a human being. The protagonists have no choice but to follow player commands and the story, but the person behind them loaded that shit up. The story reflects this, as every decision to move forward, to pursue the mission, is met with harsher consequences. You are punished for playing the thing the developers made for you to play, and you deserve it.

Dishonored takes it a step further, or perhaps simply reinforces the terrible feeling I have from killing nameless minions. It's a stealth game, but it doesn't have to be. You can gleefully murder your way through everyday people doing their jobs. They stand in your way, but, as with Spec Ops, the decision to confront them this way makes you awful. I can't play without wandering who I've widowed (something the guards specifically mention), and early on the Outsider gives you a fucking heart that tells you secrets about people. That guy? He wanted to open a gift shop. She makes ten cents an hour and is paying off her father's debts. You're a monster.

There are videogames that don't require you to harm anyone, but they're typically kid games. Violence is a part of the medium, same as with books and movies. What's interesting (and the reason I feel like a bastard) is that you don't feel responsible when Gimli or Legolas decapitate an orc, when Dorothy smooshes the Wicked Witch (or goddam melts her sister). But in a videogame, regardless of what the story requires, the player makes more decisions in the narrative, even if the only decision is to play the character.

Heroin, Frank

I Recently bought FTL, and I really like the writing. Each small encounter has the potential to benefit or destroy you. Choosing to help a civilian ship caught in an asteroid field (Star Wars style) could get you free stuff, repairs, even new crew (something you desperately need). It could also get you nothing, or damage (or destroyed!). Every encounter becomes important, and the writing gives you enough information to fill in the blanks, without making it a huge deal. You feel good for rescuing those chumps. You are dismayed when your ship blows up. Both of these things happen all the time.

And I'd like to see it in another game. A Naked Gun game set in the movie series universe starring Leslie Nielsen. The plots and characters were ridiculous, funny, and over-the-top. Kind of like GTA, except fewer hooker murders.

Which brings me to my second point. In the game, you could play in a GTA-style city, with L.A. Noire-like dialogue choices and side missions. You can go anywhere and do anything. Sometimes the radio directs you to a crime, or you catch 'em as they happen. Apprehending a speeder turns into a cross-city chase on a horse, until the perp accidentally drives into the ocean. The plot is not one, but many - dozens of big businessmen, all of whom are villains at some point (for different reasons). The queen of England comes to town. Shakespeare in the Park. You can investigate or ignore them as you wish, and good or bad things happen according to your choices. And Frank Drebin, the main character, can't figure out clues or solve crimes without player dialogue choices.



I really want this game to be real.

A solution to all problems

Attack.

I don't mean knock motherfuckers out on the street. Those are just random people, and as such, their terrible behavior isn't your problem. The best thing you can do for yourself when someone you don't know pisses you off is to remember they are completely inconsequential to your life. You are the Sun God, giver and destroyer (a healthy shot of ego is necessary), and you don't care for the puny travails and pathetic squabbles of Senor Blue Suit or Captain Cockdouche. Even your hate is wasted on them.

No, the problem is with the people you know and love. And, as with all things, the solution lies in Fight Club. When Edward Norton couldn't stand being an Ikea Neo-Nazi anymore (fashionable but racist), he beat the shit out of himself. Wait: put down the chair and torch. The answer isn't a dread march on your buddy's castle.

I have a friend named Carl, and like many Carls, he can get real uppity. When it got too much, I attacked. Like a wolf in the night, or a fat man crouched in a darkened hallway, I leaped upon his back and bore him to the floor. I will never forget the screaming, but more importantly, neither will he.

Reason is for suckers.

New Feature:
  
THE CULT OF YOUTUBE-SOGGOTH
(nsfw)

Denim is the silent killer

Because it prevents your genital-destroying revenge.







Late Facts: Guess what?

Superlate facts: Chicken butt.

Links!

Given this comic: http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=2257

I now want a shirt of a vagina holding an electric guitar and throwing the horns. Underneath: My Pussy Rules.

In pink, motherfuckers.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn22197-bonobo-genius-makes-stone-tools-like-early-humans-did.html - Goddammit, this is where it starts!

http://i.imgur.com/QQSam.gif - and this haunts me