B===D--- A new love story by Shakespeare

My own particular bullshit

A friend recently posted a note that he is dissatisfied with the current political state, and (perhaps jokingly) suggested he would run for president when he is eligible. I know and like this guy (to prerequisites for being friends) and I've thought along similar lines. Why, if America is in such dire straits that we can't get a budget passed without a political showdown, should I not throw my hat in the ring and magically make it all better?

I think this is like the idea people get in their heads when they can make their buddies laugh - "I should go into comedy". "I can talk about politics - maybe I should run for office." And with as much shit as I'll talk about both parties, maybe I should insert money where I've previously only put my mouth.

Hmmm. I guess that homoerotic innuendo fits. Anyone who talks such has tasted at least the tip of the glorious, glittery cock of corporate media politics. And that's the problem. If I went in, as I am now, putting aside the ludicrously low chance of winning (and complete lack of knowledge of how to win) I'd be like a liberal Tea Party. And that's not helpful (the motto of this podcast is, of course, "Fuck it and fuck you").

And if I could put aside my anger and recalcitrance, I'd at best end up like any other politician. I don't like the anti-gay-marriage laws in place, but they're coming down, albeit slowly. That, apparently, is how things work in a democracy. The people support the bad laws their representatives create, until they don't, and then the laws are overturned. As tempting as it would be to try and "fix" everything, even if it were possible (and it's not) it wouldn't be the will of the people. You can't make people be good or kind. At best, you can try to keep them from getting worse.

And that's assuming I didn't become corrupt. I know myself moderately well, and I, like many others, see myself as the hero, never the villain. It's usually not until after the fuck up that I realize I was a real douchetard. And even that level of introspection doesn't fly in politics. You've got to be right, someone else has to be wrong, or you won't stand a chance. And if you can't get elected, not only will your brilliant vision not come to pass, but some bastard's horrible plan will be implemented. So tell a little lie. Exaggerate a bit. It's all for the greater good (and hey, you can make a few bucks off of it).

This, then, is my own particular brand of bullshit; Famous Anus, of course. For all your baking needs.

Update:

Of course, I do think some of my friends are suited for helping run the country well. Here's a prototype campaign poster I thunk up:

He keeps his campaign promises.

I think I is broken

I've talked before about vidyergeeme morals and such, but I think I'm broken now. Spec Ops: the Line started my descent and now Dishonored has destroyed my ability to indiscriminately murder.

It's tough to rationalize.

In Bioshock you have to kill a fuckload of people, but it's cool, they're junkies. They attack you. The choices made are between being a cock and not being a cock (which doesn't actually make you a good person). This is true for most games: the player is thrust into a situation which requires a healthy pile of bodies to surmount.

Spec Ops is the same way, but it asserts that, because you, the player, chose to play the game at all you are fundamentally flawed as a human being. The protagonists have no choice but to follow player commands and the story, but the person behind them loaded that shit up. The story reflects this, as every decision to move forward, to pursue the mission, is met with harsher consequences. You are punished for playing the thing the developers made for you to play, and you deserve it.

Dishonored takes it a step further, or perhaps simply reinforces the terrible feeling I have from killing nameless minions. It's a stealth game, but it doesn't have to be. You can gleefully murder your way through everyday people doing their jobs. They stand in your way, but, as with Spec Ops, the decision to confront them this way makes you awful. I can't play without wandering who I've widowed (something the guards specifically mention), and early on the Outsider gives you a fucking heart that tells you secrets about people. That guy? He wanted to open a gift shop. She makes ten cents an hour and is paying off her father's debts. You're a monster.

There are videogames that don't require you to harm anyone, but they're typically kid games. Violence is a part of the medium, same as with books and movies. What's interesting (and the reason I feel like a bastard) is that you don't feel responsible when Gimli or Legolas decapitate an orc, when Dorothy smooshes the Wicked Witch (or goddam melts her sister). But in a videogame, regardless of what the story requires, the player makes more decisions in the narrative, even if the only decision is to play the character.

Heroin, Frank

I Recently bought FTL, and I really like the writing. Each small encounter has the potential to benefit or destroy you. Choosing to help a civilian ship caught in an asteroid field (Star Wars style) could get you free stuff, repairs, even new crew (something you desperately need). It could also get you nothing, or damage (or destroyed!). Every encounter becomes important, and the writing gives you enough information to fill in the blanks, without making it a huge deal. You feel good for rescuing those chumps. You are dismayed when your ship blows up. Both of these things happen all the time.

And I'd like to see it in another game. A Naked Gun game set in the movie series universe starring Leslie Nielsen. The plots and characters were ridiculous, funny, and over-the-top. Kind of like GTA, except fewer hooker murders.

Which brings me to my second point. In the game, you could play in a GTA-style city, with L.A. Noire-like dialogue choices and side missions. You can go anywhere and do anything. Sometimes the radio directs you to a crime, or you catch 'em as they happen. Apprehending a speeder turns into a cross-city chase on a horse, until the perp accidentally drives into the ocean. The plot is not one, but many - dozens of big businessmen, all of whom are villains at some point (for different reasons). The queen of England comes to town. Shakespeare in the Park. You can investigate or ignore them as you wish, and good or bad things happen according to your choices. And Frank Drebin, the main character, can't figure out clues or solve crimes without player dialogue choices.



I really want this game to be real.

A solution to all problems

Attack.

I don't mean knock motherfuckers out on the street. Those are just random people, and as such, their terrible behavior isn't your problem. The best thing you can do for yourself when someone you don't know pisses you off is to remember they are completely inconsequential to your life. You are the Sun God, giver and destroyer (a healthy shot of ego is necessary), and you don't care for the puny travails and pathetic squabbles of Senor Blue Suit or Captain Cockdouche. Even your hate is wasted on them.

No, the problem is with the people you know and love. And, as with all things, the solution lies in Fight Club. When Edward Norton couldn't stand being an Ikea Neo-Nazi anymore (fashionable but racist), he beat the shit out of himself. Wait: put down the chair and torch. The answer isn't a dread march on your buddy's castle.

I have a friend named Carl, and like many Carls, he can get real uppity. When it got too much, I attacked. Like a wolf in the night, or a fat man crouched in a darkened hallway, I leaped upon his back and bore him to the floor. I will never forget the screaming, but more importantly, neither will he.

Reason is for suckers.

New Feature:
  
THE CULT OF YOUTUBE-SOGGOTH
(nsfw)

Denim is the silent killer

Because it prevents your genital-destroying revenge.







Late Facts: Guess what?

Superlate facts: Chicken butt.

Links!

Given this comic: http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=2257

I now want a shirt of a vagina holding an electric guitar and throwing the horns. Underneath: My Pussy Rules.

In pink, motherfuckers.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn22197-bonobo-genius-makes-stone-tools-like-early-humans-did.html - Goddammit, this is where it starts!

http://i.imgur.com/QQSam.gif - and this haunts me

Small Things

So this is kinda awful:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-19297373

We have a dramatization of the trial and sentencing.



But in good news:

http://www.privacysos.org/2012/august/pushing_back

Remember that in a democracy the people hold the power. Your elected representatives are not untouchable gods dispensing wisdom and law from on high. You can talk, persuade, and even not fucking vote for them if they screw up. If you don't believe that they are as human as I, or think they have a get-out-of-responsibility-free card just imagine Lindsey Graham masturbating, and then don't do that, ever, Jesus God I wish I hadn't thought of it.

Still, it makes my point.

Sometimes there is no winning

Late Facts: I do not know what a German accent sounds like.

Links!

Gay bar- I was right!

http://www.jpost.com/LandedPages/PrintArticle.aspx?id=281139

Tangerine...- The scene still carries the same emotional weight.

Ladies - I'm pretty sure there's no hope for Eal or myself. NSFW.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNHb3lZobt0 - Definitely not.

http://www.triplepundit.com/2012/08/costco-genuine-retail-csr-leader/ - A genuinely good boss, or Jesus trying to screw with me after I've worked so many minimum wage jobs?

There's no reason for you to read either of these:
http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/life/zoology/birds/ostrich-meat.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albatross

I'm just kinda on a bird kick.

Good news, everyone!

Jen and Phil are getting married! And Jen has asked for ideas (on Facebook). In my neverending quest to destroy... everything, I guess, I present Things to make your awesome wedding even awesomer.

Rings are overrated. I said it, and I'll say it again, goddammit. Just ask J.R.R. Tolkien, a man who hated rings so much he killed a midget just to get rid of his. In a volcano. So right off the bat, bam, venue. A free venue. I'm pretty sure they can't charge you to have the ceremony beside a boiling cauldron of heat and doom.

And rings are a pain, too. Easy to lose, symbolic only, and if you need a symbol, go full retard. Push your Ringbearer into the volcano. It says you are so committed you will kill for your spouse, and it builds a hell of a lot more trust than falling into each other's arms.

This part is for Jen only, so Phil, stop reading. I have a gun, Phil; don't let me catch your eyes south of this line.

Jen: Phil is a nerd. This gives you numerous ways to destroy his morale and sanity. I'll just mention one, but it's a doozy. Check out this website: http://nooooooooooooooo.com/

Hook a laptop up to the sound system, and when the "Jen do you take this man..." bit arrives, push the button. Say yes after, obviously, but have a camera ready. Phil will be the most traumatized he'll ever be at that moment, and you need a keepsake to show the kids the time you made daddy shit his pants.



Superheroes, and Civil War particularly, are interesting because they have enough power to stand up to the government. It's why their treated with a mix of enthusiasm and trepidation. Spiderman can save you from a mugging - but he can also toss your car at the Green Goblin. The heroes battle villains, providing a valuable service to the country - SWAT doesn't want to take on Venom - but they can also overthrow the country (as seen in The Justice League cartoon, "Justice Lords"). And I think it's important because, if you want to deal with the government - if you don't like the choice of Mitt Romney or Barack Obama - we the people need some kind of power to give our arguments weight.

Links!
NSFW, but awesome. The second one especially if you're a book nerd.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_ZL8HXbHQo

http://claytoncubitt.tumblr.com/post/28527147496

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/kylie-woon-surreal-ity - SFW

Horrible jokes have been around forever

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/30/babylonian-yo-mama-joke_n_1242617.html

That's my justification for this.

A train leaves Minneapolis. If it travels at sixty miles an hour and your mother's a whore, how much can she make before reaching Boston?

'At'll do, pig

I hope "'At'll do, pig", eventually replaces "I'm proud of you." I'm going to use it on my kids, and tell them no other parent does because they don't truly love their children.

Links!

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/pigs - Swine!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czKq9H0tSCo
Extended Cut DLC Hidden Refusal Ending

http://www.cbc.ca/news/yourcommunity/2012/07/human-immortality-could-be-possible-by-2045-say-russian-scientists.html - Given immortality, I would immediately turn my thoughts to destroying humanity.

Eal sent some dispatches:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0 - "He looked at it, and to him it explained the stars."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Honw9i_m9hI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qzo4rZxF3x4

Right in the beanbag

Links!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VGjA66RSm0
I don't know why, but it's hypnotic.

http://maddowblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/07/24/12924509-obama-presents-voters-with-the-choice?lite#.UA6hEnAygxw.reddit - a review of a review of Obama's campaign ad. I think this is what Jesus meant when he said, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/24/wes-harris-arizona-tea-party_n_1697793.html - "No, see, it's not racist. She's muslim."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ot9JtiHhiU
I fell asleep halfway through Return. This happened, right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jKWJZsjm5U
How awesome would a Superman-Deadliest Catch combo movie be?

Both of these last two links are disturbing (the first more than the second); read and watch anyway.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rebeccaelliott/horror-hospital-the-most-shocking-photos-and-test?mrefid=twitter

http://oversight.house.gov/hearing/dawood-national-military-hospital-afghanistan-what-happened-and-what-went-wrong/

I'm going to ruin your day

Because I can.

Dark Knight Rises Review

spoilerspoilerspoilerspoilerspoilers

I'm gonna agree with this guy: http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2012/07/the-dark-knight-rises-and-falls/260091/
So if you don't feel like reading this review, you can read his.

I love Batman as much as anyone, and for anyone who loves Batman, The Dark Knight was the closest thing we'll get to a religious experience unless Jesus returns to fight crime. It took a weird, kinda goofy premise and made the audience believe in it. It made Batman sell his soul to save his city. And it allowed Rises to become whatever it wanted; with Batman as the undisputed ruler of Gotham, the mob locked away, and one of the deadliest villains, Rises could have taken the Batman trilogy and done to it what Dark Knight did to the Joker: made it completely, terrifyingly real.

It didn't. That's not to say it was a bad movie; it's more like Return of the Jedi. No matter how much awesome there is in that last fight with Vader, it still ends with teddy bears taking down a legion of the deadliest troops in the universe.

And that fits, because Rises was too wedded to the happy ending. It begins with the same bleak tone Knight ended on, only worse; Batman and Gordon are shells, hollowed out by the false victory they bought with Dent's grave. The war against crime is over, and all seems well in Gotham. Bane disrupts that. He takes control of the city with calculating, deadly assurance, and disposes of Batman as if he were a kid on Halloween. He is determined to destroy Gotham, as his mentor, Ras al Ghul, intended.

Then he doesn't. That's the second half of the movie. Bane dicks around, waiting for a bomb to explode, because fuck Bruce Wayne, that's why. Bane plans to die in the explosion, because fuck plans, too. And that's how the movie feels - the first half is tight, tense, and deliberately parallels the type of schemes that made Joker so dangerous. But it stops and waits so Batman can make a jump that was possible for a child but no one else. This, and some other plot holes (Bane falls victim to the "didn't hear the incredibly noisy thing sneak up on me" bit) take away from the movie, and there's no reason for them.

The second half could have kept afloat if Bane was interesting. He's not. He has a weird, squeaky British accent, and he talks all the fucking time, about nothing. There's a last-minute villain switcheroo as well, that serves no purpose other than to pay homage to the comics.

Batman works for the first half, mirroring the cocky return from Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller, then falls flat. Rather than changing or developing after his failure, Batman just needed more push-ups. Catwoman is the most interesting, but she, too, plays the waiting game for the second half.

The rest of the characters are sidelined, reduced to saving the day because Batman can't be everywhere. Alfred gets it the roughest: he cries a little, tries to talk Bruce out of Batmanning again, then disappears until the end, so he can cry on Bruce's fake grave (which brings up an interesting point: there was no reason for Bruce to fake his death, so why did he?). The guy who played just as crucial a role as Ras and the Joker in forming Batman is cut out so we can watch Batman learn to believe in himself again. By doing push-ups. 

Rises starts awesome and ends with a thud. The questions inspired by the beginning - why are Batman and Gordon so dispirited? Why is Bane determined to fulfill Ras al Ghul's plan, and how did he take control of the League? What's Catwoman's story? - aren't answered, but are replaced with more frustrating ones by the end - Why do the convicts at Blackgate, who resisted the Joker's attempt to make them monsters, give in to Bane so easily? Why did Ras banish Bane? Why does Talia, whom we've never heard from before, give a shit about her dad, who abandoned her (so much so that she's willing to die to fulfill his mission)?

Rises had big shoes to fill and didn't. It had a lot of opportunities to mess with the audiences head and gave that up after Batman got tossed in stupid prison (seriously, there are no guards, and the wall is like twenty feet high with plenty of handholds). I can't say don't go see it - no one would listen, not even me - but let me know how ye like it.


AND

since no review is truly complete without the uppity reviewer telling the reader how he would have done things, and oh, it would be totally awesome, shit yeah, here's what I'd have done.

Keep everything the same until the prison. Once Wayne is thrown inside, switch to Gotham. Drop the nuke angle, because it's dumb. Instead, make Bane's goal to fracture Gotham from the nation, spread anarchy and establish regional control by warlords, presided over by the League of Shadows. Life in Gotham under this kind of rule: the strong survive, thrive, the weak are left out, but a twisted "justice" system is set up (and leave out Scarecrow; the guy who made his money torturing the inmates now running things would not get a happy end). Gordon and Blake form a resistance, but are hunted; a special ops group tries to smuggle them out of the city, but only Blake makes it. Gordon is sentenced to "exile" and drops through the ice.

Blake follows Bane's trail to the prison, finds Bruce dead. One of the other prisoners (Alfred, why not throw him in there too) repeats Bruce's words from earlier in the film: "Anyone could be Batman". Blake returns to Gotham, and with Alfred and Fox's help dons the cowl. And brings a motherfucking war to Gotham city, by reminding them who the night belongs to.

Late Facts: Keep in mind I'm disappointed in the movie, but there's no way I could have come up with the awesomeness Nolan did. I'm putting my thoughts out on what did occur, and what makes sense to me given the setup of the movie's first half.

What the hell is a chickenfaggot?

Links!
http://www.teako170.com/knight.html - goodman Jeremah turned me onto this.

http://www.cracked.com/video_17813_what-kid-from-a-christmas-story-would-be-like-at-23.html - funny series of videos.

http://www.salon.com/2012/07/18/killing_our_monsters_salpar/ -  there's a big difference between discussing something because you think the discussion is important - like goodman Jeremah - and discussing it because you can.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fC8dSmNosLY - buttsex

http://news.yahoo.com/judge-man-stripped-nude-airport-not-guilty-224222940.html
One of the arguments against: "Any person naked for any purpose will be able to say it was protected speech,". Apparently he can't tell the difference between a pedo flashing toddlers ("I hate playgrounds!") and a guy protesting the TSA molesting his testicles.

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2012/07/12/how-i-lost-my-fear-universal-health-care - I'll save you some time if you don't feel like reading: "I used to be stupid. I'm still mostly stupid, but I've learned that, if something directly benefits me, it might be good."

Late Facts: I got the idea about Batman from a dream I had. I was cramming 8 hours of rest into 2, before I went to work, and that tends to send my dreams in weird directions. Batman killed a midget clown, then watched a musical (he murdered the clown on a stage) from the rafters. The body remained throughout the musical.

Jesus broke my chair

What the shit, Lamb of Hosts?



The link to the wrong guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI7Oq8y-jXA

The Links!

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/carol-jean-price-accused-groping-tsa-agent-florida-woman-demonstrating-treatment-received-article-1.1098521 - HAHAHAHA!
I don't fly, but if I do in the future, I hope I get patted down while I've got an erection. If you think this is unfair, remember I was a janitor; in any job, you've gotta deal with some shit. Or boners. Shit-boners.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJ4T9CQA0UM - Awesome

http://www.jewishpress.com/news/israel/florida-dnc-member-resigns-over-leaked-anti-israel-emails/2012/07/10/ - the best part: '"She's horrible," said Dan Liftman... "She could really harm the President and Debbie Wasserman Schultz."'

https://www.eff.org/press/releases/three-nsa-whistleblowers-back-effs-lawsuit-over-governments-massive-spying-program

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ainyK6fXku0 - Double Awesome! And... Itunes does not have the album. Damn you, Steve Jobs's ghost!

Morality in videogames needs to go. DA did it right, by basing it on the characters around you, rather than an invisible judge that saw all (though this still resulted in stupid evil). Most do it wrong, as in inFAMOUS 2. The evil option is to beat up people who help you. Being good means stopping muggings. And while both are good, it should probably take a back seat to saving the goddam world.

Aside from realism, however, the problem with morality in games is lack of subtlety. This is understandable. Even in books, which have been around forever, you find protagonists who do good (always and forever) and villains who walk in and announce, "I'll be your antagonist this evening. Would you prefer a dead loved one or a short bout of torture?" In a relatively new medium like games, it's not surprising that, when I play an evil character, I scream "EVIL!" as I jump off the building and send cars, innocents, and maybe a few bad guys flying to their doom.

But it's gotta go. In Knights of the Old Republic (and the original inFAMOUS) a lifetimes work of evil could be undone by one decision. I mean literal horns and a penchant for baby tacos, tossed away because you decided not to be a douche that once. It didn't make sense, but it was serviceable. The end to inFAMOUS 2, however, is not. The player has a "choice" of endings, good and evil, but he must be aligned with that choice. I chose evil (sort of) early on, but because of that I could not take the "good" ending. Even though it made more sense for the character. It limits the story, and screws the player out of "their" character. If morality has to be done, use the Dragon Age or Mass Effect model - decisions reflected in your party, or a guideline that determines how your character behaves when not under direct player control.  

Late facts: if there is another Superman movie (and there should be, goddammit), then instead of the bullshit uplifting trumpets, Superman should have this battlecry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwrel&NR=1&v=mp2IZbKBwCI Right? Best Superman Ever.

Superlate facts: I abuse the "facts" part of this section.

Stupid jokes (for YOU)

What is the name of the famous artist/soccerist?

Vincent Van GOOAAALLL

Hail Discordia! The way to the Tower opens!

Shazamed up for your pleasure.



The Link!

http://www.notstarring.com/actors/connery-sean - I would sit through the whole shit-fest of Matrix 2 and 3 again, just to see Sean Connery tell Neo to go fuck himself.

Late facts: the temperature thing, while impressive, is made slightly less so (very slightly) when you realize the core of the sun is "cooler" than the corona.

Superlate facts: it's hard to take your news website seriously when you have a large-breasted woman (or man) telling me to "stoke the fires of rrrrevolution" (rolled r's implied).

Stupid jokes: for YOU

What do you tell a Canadian who won't shut up?

Shut your eh-hole.

BAM

Lacy, gently wafting curtains

My mic is a bit fucked, so the sound is scratchy in places. Fixed (probably) by next week. I'm not actually going to fix it, I'm just going to avoid fucking it up more. That counts.



Links!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgnmtKWvErQ - long, but good.

http://www.slashfilm.com/lol-gary-oldman-kindly-athletes-stop-acting - For Goodly James! Now we know what Evil James does in his alternate universe. He's basically Shaq.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1bzUaf_gvU - Fuck you, talented guy! I could play guitar, if my fingers didn't double as the pillars of the earth.

Blogs to check out:
http://stoya.tumblr.com/ - a pornstar's blog. I do not need to say NSFW. Awesome, though if you read it just for porn you may be disappointed. Related:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Veg63B8ofnQ&feature=related and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYxX2YKGdvM. Both SFW, and awesome.

Google it, damn you!

http://www.zmescience.com/space/oldest-galaxy-in-universe-12-billion-years-old-432143/
The idea of a chronologically disparate universe interests me. If you could travel to this galaxy instantly and look at earth, you wouldn't see the earth as it is now. If light took 12 billion years to reach us, then our light took the same amount of time to reach that galaxy. You would have a window into the past of our galaxy.
What if you could do the reverse? What if, instead of seeing light from the beginning of the universe, you could see the darkness from the end?

I rewatched the Matrix recently, and something bugged me. After the first movie, Neo is set up as Jesus. His sacrifice is put up as an ad at the Superbowl about halfway through the second movie. It's weird, but I can deal with it. What bugs me is, with all the biblical references and half-assed philosophical ramblings, where is Neo's temptation? Christ spent some time with Big D in the desert, and Neo... nothing. Gets off without ever wanting to use his awesome powers just to smash an uppity mortal's face in. Even though it's the first (and for some, only) thing we'd think of, if put in the same situation. And since Neo is an Everyman (I hate the term, but he is) for the audience to project themselves onto, at least the desire to fuck things up should have been included.



Links

http://bustygirlcomics.com/post/25230152165/soup-shelf
I can (sort-of) relate, as a fat man. My shelf is my belly.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/9314031/Man-jailed-after-bragging-I-think-I-got-away-with-it-on-Facebook.html#
It's hard to complain about an Orwellian surveillance state when they walk into it.

http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/oregon-man-suffering-plague-critical-condition-article-1.1094782

Late facts: the bit about seeing the end of the universe is bullshit, but I still think it would be cool. Damn you, Science!

Super-late facts: I can eat six of the eight pieces of a large pizza. I finish the last two out of spite. 

I destroy my butt to bring you these stories

Wait, no.

Pay no attention to the bear behind the curtain

I changed jobs (sort of), and recording the podcast has changed. I'm trying to make it more streamlined, so I can say "I need this-this, that, done," rather than thinking up sixty things for the News, and no rants. Meanwhile, actually doing the podcast suffers a bit. I've set it up so I record the whole thing Wednesdays, but I'm still getting used to this schedule, so if my brain forgets and decides to dick around all day, nothing gets done. I'll have a story up later today, and podcastin' will resume next week, and in the meantime I wanted to talk to you about something important.

Superman

Superman has bugged me for a while. Batman knows all kinds of crazy bullshit ways to take down thugs. He can freeze 'em, gas 'em, karate-murder them or hit them with his car.
Superman can punch. He can't even punch well. All he has are haymakers, and he treats every enemy like a clumsy fat guy who can't help but wander into Superman's awkward thrusts. Worse, he's basically god and he has no experience being such; God, at least, knew how to make the cosmos before he started messing with the Jews. Which is, to be fair, kind of like applying to be a kindergarten teacher when your only experience is programming, but at least he had some experience. Superman knows how to farm. He can only stop crime that is right in front of him, because he never took Batman's Patented Detective Course. He probably murders half the purse-snatchers he stops, because he has the power of the sun and no concept of control. At least if he'd signed up for the Y karate class he might've learned not to put his fist through other people's chests.

It's like my pappy always told me

Life is like a box of chocolates, but I have diabetes.



http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/06/nyregion/justice-thomas-d-raffaele-says-police-officer-struck-him.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

http://thenewcivilrightsmovement.com/gop-lawmaker-sodomy-is-not-a-civil-right/news/2012/05/17/39689
He is so full of shit that his eyes are brown. Makes me wonder if he's really as opposed to buttplay as he claims.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vg1tfYOOPGQ&feature=g-upl

Everything is terrible, forever

I did something terrible to Harry Potter.





I'm pretty sure Fred isn't a pedo. I still wouldn't trust anyone with such a van.

Late Facts: the new Batman arrives soon, so I'm watching the first two. Upon review, Begins is still a good movie, but not nearly as good as Dark Knight. Which makes the first time I am aware of that a movie is unfairly compared to its sequel. The two, despite both being made by the same goddam people, are just not in the same league. 

Let's take a vote

http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/05/05/us-usa-abortion-arizona-idUSBRE84402Y20120505

http://researchnews.osu.edu/archive/exptaking.htm

http://www.salon.com/2012/05/08/us_attack_kills_5_afghan_kids/singleton/?miaou2

http://www.mediaite.com/online/laura-ingraham-angers-fans-by-mocking-adults-who-go-to-the-avengers/
My favorite comment: "I always listen to your radio talk show but this really is uncalled for..." - FOX news can get away with a lot, but fuck with people's nerd shit and the torches come out.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-investor/personal-finance/2012-vs-1984-young-adults-really-do-have-it-harder-today/article2425558/


I was going to do a long thing expounding on my theory about heroes and villains last week, but instead I am writing a short story for you on Saturday.

For YOOUUU.

Late Facts: Forgot North Carolina banned gay marriage. God bless these brave bastards for standing against the homosexual hordes, and let's take a moment of silence... for all those states (including: Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York, D.C., Iowa, and Washington) which legalized gay marriage, and were subsequently swallowed up by Satan.

Villains are people too

 Links!
 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Horowitz

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slavoj_%C5%BDi%C5%BEek

http://assange.rt.com/horowitz-zizek-episode-two/ 
The second episode of Assange's show

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5gTn323p-w8BJzR8bo9T-tD1jN78A?docId=CNG.ca8bef17738db813c03c40c8f4ba1ed3.321

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/showtracker/2012/04/discovery-channel-crashes-plane-for-documentary.html
Fuck planes

http://www.smh.com.au/technology/technology-news/google-aware-of-data-scoop-20120429-1xsxx.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6uHR90Sq6k

http://www.aljazeera.com/news/asia-pacific/2012/05/20125315401489187.html

http://www.writingexcuses.com/2011/10/02/writing-excuses-6-18-hollywood-formula/


When villains are too evil

I first noticed this in The Cowboy Way. Woody Harrelson, Jack Bauer, and Winston Zeddimore are rescuing the daughter of an old friend. Said daughter has been kidnapped by a sweatshop owner who specialized in smuggling illegal aliens into New York and then enslaving them. At this point in the movie he's been brought low. His work is gone, he's been exposed, but he could get away and come back for revenge...

If he weren't so dedicated to hanging onto that one girl. He refuses to let her go, even after she becomes a liability. This is what I mean by villains needing their own goals, instead of just opposing the heroes. His goal is to get away, but since he's the bad guy he has to act stupidly evil.

The same is true for Gaston. When Maurice bursts in claiming Belle has been kidnapped by a Beast with huge fangs, fur, so on, no one thinks, "hey, maybe it's a wolf." Worse, seeing as they all think Maurice is crazy, Gaston never even looks for Belle.

      ...that crazy old coot is Belle's father, and his sanity's only so-... Holy shit, I think he killed her and dumped her body in the woods.

Even putting aside the wolf, there's a reasonable chance Maurice, whom everyone agrees is nuts, killed Belle and is trying to divert suspicion. If Gaston were any less lazy, he could track Belle down (as the bar just sang about how awesome at hunting he is) and probably save her before she decides Beast is her friend. Instead, he went straight to villainy.

Throw it into the sun

Links!

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/04/24/north-korea-threatens-to-reduce-seoul-to-ashes-in-less-than-four-minutes-as-tensions-escalate_n_1448057.html
They are adorable

http://phys.org/news/2012-04-japan-astronomers-distant-galaxy-cluster.html

http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/article11845.htm
An interesting excerpt from a book I now want.

http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0657.html

Time travel makes me right

I is not a clever man, so I lied. I can't do two shows a week (trying somehow almost prevented me from doing one) so it's back to the old format. The problem is a combination of music (I had twenty songs lined up, listened to them again, and hated all of them; end your songs early! You have a great tune, but ten minutes is too fucking long!) Also, Bill Summerson is dead and recuperating in Florida. He should be back in a week or two.



No news, since Bill is a dead and lazy bastard, so extra links! Many piss me off.

Links

http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/15/opinion/coker-book-publishing/index.html?eref=mrss_igoogle_cnn

This chaps my ass. Itunes and various conspire to fix prices on ebooks to prevent  prices from getting too low (courtesy of Amazon) and to encourage print sales. Which makes Amazon the bad guy? Ebooks are necessarily cheaper because they are not a physical product - for the same reason an album on digital download and on cd are not priced the same. When I see an ebook priced at $25 I laugh and find another author who doesn't have his head up his ass.

http://www.npr.org/2012/04/16/150568478/christian-conservatives-poverty-not-government-business
Who gives a shit what Jesus would do. I'm gonna go ahead and call it that no one cares what the Bible says. If Jesus is in favor of absolute capitalism, dirty communism, or the hokey pokey, who gives a shit. Why is this a subject for debate? I'm good with the overall philosophical message, but how many social, economic, and military lessons can we take from a dead man? Say it with me: if Jesus wants something specific done, he can come down here and do it himself. (I am reading Paradise Lost and what surprises me most is how lazy God is. He knows everything, but can't get off his ass to stop the guy he created from corrupting his new creation. I guess Jersey Shore was on).

http://www.npr.org/2012/04/16/150563229/double-take-toons-doomsday-drones 
a good example of why political cartoons are dumber than a box of hammers. The first isn't so bad - Obama's drone happy! Fair enough. But did you need to put all the fucking markers on there? Did you have no faith in your audience?
And the bottom one makes no fucking sense. What the fuck is wrong with his teeth and fingers? What is the goddam message here?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDLXPpooA18&feature=player_embedded
I mock Anderson Cooper specifically, and all the news outlets, for being useless blabbing lumps, but I have to agree with this guy (http://www.salon.com/2012/04/18/attacks_on_rt_and_assange_reveal_much_about_the_critics/singleton/?miaou) that sometimes mocking them doesn't really do their uselessness justice. The day Assange (who had the baffling label of traitor, despite not being American) aired his show, CNN spent all day mooning over Dick Clark's corpse. I'm sure he was great, but did you really need to call in the guy who walked Clark's dog that one time?

Late Facts: I've never seen a birth, so I picture it as a disgusting slip-n-slide.

Superlate Facts: Codex Alera is like Narnia, but with rape and crucifixions. 

I is not a clever man

Second try, pretty sure I don't have any spelling errors. Ye can enbiggen the text below, make it full-screen and fanciful.

Murder-Whisper Free

Doing two of these in a week is harder than I expected.





Bill mentions it in the News, but am I the only other person creeped out that someone put a bounty on Zimmerman's head? Is that something we do now? If so, I could get out of my student loans easy-peasy. I wouldn't be able to pay the bounty, of course, which would create a vicious cycle of bounties placed and lack of funds generating more bounties. We could make a bounty economy, guys.

Late facts: the creepy girl in Case 39 is the same one from Silent Hill. I'd worry she's being type-cast, but she's being type-cast as the devil. And she fits the part.

Superlate facts: I'll upload a short-short story (in pdf form if I can figure it out) on Saturday. If ye want it, you can have it.

Special Edition 1

Links:

http://topics.nytimes.com/topics/reference/timestopics/people/a/anwar_al_awlaki/index.html

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/04/09/150250294/study-warns-of-autism-risk-for-children-of-obese-mothers
Holy shit, he wasn't kidding.


Sometimes I write weird things. Here's an excerpt from an epic poem I may or may not be working on, but is awesome nonetheless.

"No!" he cried, to an incandescent, hostile sky,
"anywhere but here, lest we fall under his mur'drous eye"
But as he turned to run, he found his 'scape route gone,
the path blocked by those perfect, monstrous
creatures, resembling humans only in form.

Their teeth flashed in ugly grins, devoid of all sympathy,
 his arms they pinned to his sides under that hateful sky.
in the midst of whirling scree,

He and the captain they bore, to their leader's
feet, to send them soon toward the furthest shore,
but no, he exclaimed, pain is their fate, their death
must wait, until I fully settle the score.

"Liar!" the hero proclaimed, full of fear,
yet his manliness maintained, in the face
of losing himself forevermore. "Your chance you
threw away, and on this desolate rock you'll
stay, for failing to heed the kind advice of
my well-loved leader, you deserve this fate and more.

For if you had only stayed, comfortable,
and out of the way, on the peaceful planet
where you were placed-"
At this the mad chief grew wroth, and with
great strength, picked the tiny Russian up,
and with full hate glittering in his eyes,
screamed his madness, triumph, revenge,
so that all the world must listen,
toward the sky:
"This IS Ceti-Alpha Five!"

Kill da wabbit

After a two week hiatus, that we may never know the cause for, the show returns.





The links:
http://blogs.aljazeera.com/asia/2012/03/19/no-one-asked-their-names

http://www.businessinsider.com/rogue-shooting-sparks-disgust-from-service-members-2012-3

http://www.cracked.com/article_14990_what-monkeysphere.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hugh_Thompson,_Jr
I used this one to prove that there are good people who try to do the right thing. As easy as it is to sometimes believe the world is shit, there are people who try.

Things I am angry about:
http://killingthebuddha.com/mag/dispatch/religion-island/

Late facts: sometimes I do edit, and now is one of those times. Check out the link above, and ignore my earlier angry rant. It's a good article, and while I disagree with the assertion that science can't inspire art, the author has an interesting point.

Sometimes I get uppity

There are probably a few ME3 spoilers in the podcast. I try to keep it to a minimum.




This guy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H_A7SeawU4) does a good job explaining some of the common gripes with the ME ending. I don't agree with all of them, and as I mentioned I was relatively satisfied with my ending, though I made up another that made more sense to me.

And this guy: http://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2012/03/14/mass-effect-3-the-end-of-an-epic/

I forgot to mention Silent Hill in the podcast. Silent Hill is an excellent example of games that reward exploration. By exploring the town (which is necessary to progress) you get more story, some of it obvious (the cult) some not so (the executioners and pyramid head). And your story is formed by how you play; though most of the story is the same throughout, the ending is dependent on how you've played. No obvious choices are presented (dialogue is not chosen) but if you are aggressive and rush through, you get a negative ending. Take your time and avoid unnecessary fights, and you get a positive ending. This also depends on how you view the character: I saw James (Silent Hill 2) as a man who very badly wanted to do the right thing. Others saw him as a monster, others as a victim, or in-between. My story reflected my character and gameplay, and the same is true for others. In Heavy Rain, I saw Ethan, the main character, as desperate but weak. Because of this, he was not able to save his son. Others saw him as strong and determined. This is the power of games as stories; they are not just "choose your own adventure" books, they are complete, powerful stories that differ from one player to the next.

God burns down bars for the insurance

I had a really awkward moment tonight - the kind that only occurs in your head, but seems no less weird for that - when I realized John McCain has a hot wife. I would nail Cindy McCain. I didn't know anything about his wife prior to this, and didn't expect to find her attractive - I assumed McCain's wife looked like him, but with long hair. She does not.

The rant might be a little weird. I am running low on sleep, and am disturbed by what I read. I want to be supportive to people who face prejudices they shouldn't have to - especially kids. I invited people going through gay-bashing and general hatred to leave comments or email me, and I will try to be supportive, but I know it sounds sketchy as hell. I wouldn't trust random internet guy, either. But find someone who you can commiserate with. The sort of friend who will support you, and help you, no matter what, is something everyone should have.
And keep trying to make the world a better place.




The Links:

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/one-towns-war-on-gay-teens-20120202
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/mar/07/muslim-african-nations-un-gay-rights - Hey. Assholes. This is who you look like - psychos who want to kill people based on arbitrary bullshit - when you pull stuff like in the first article. Knock it off. History, if you're concerned for nothing else, is not kind to the assholes.
You're the asshole, is my point.

Tonight's episode is dedicated to those who go "full retard", for good or ill. At least ya'll are having a good time, as you slowly try to destroy happiness.

Late Facts: Religion does not make you good. Religion is not good. Good people can make a good religion. Religion cannot make good people. 
One of the creepiest thing about The Man in the High Tower is, unlike 1984, the world is recognizable. People are Nazis, racists, and horrible people in general, but they are familiar. Aside from being Nazis, they could be neighbors. What does this say for our world?

We've got to stop Robo-Jesus

I'll Devito Your Schwarzenegger

So when I said, last week, that we are overconcerned with image, this is what I meant: that we won't go into Syria, that we won't try to do anything with Syria, because there's no reason for us to. What we will do is feign concern because that is the image we want to project, the story we want told; we are big daddy democracy and we want what's best for everyone. When someone like Manning or the pissing troops disrupt that, people get upset. And situations like the marine being demoted for killing innocents require very special image manipulation.



If you enjoy this podcast you should do several things. The first is listen to Writing Excuses available on Itunes. It's interesting and funny and talks about fiction in the same sort of way I do, only those podcast-ers are much smarter. The most interesting episode I've listened to is "The Hollywood Formula" (it's fairly recent) and it has a cool discussion of protagonists and antagonists in relation to the Dark Knight. I don't agree with their conclusion, but it's interesting as hell nonetheless.
Also, you should follow this blog, and recommend it to folks you think might like it.

Now Made with more Dark Gods

Titles Forever

Kinda hope you read that as "titties forever".



The James Earl Jones link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_kGtQmvrVI

The sci-fi link: http://dailysciencefiction.com/science-fiction/disaster-apocalypse/colum-paget/inconstant-nature

Late Facts: I forgot to mention the '50s-on movie that doesn't have a "Watch for the mutant" mentality. That movie is The Day the Earth Stood Still (if you're thinking of the Keanu Reeves remake, I am ashamed of you). That movie picked up the "embrace the mutant" idea and displayed the inherent danger of the arrogant (and kinda narcissistic) idea of "watch for the mutant". 

Nerditry Within

Seriously. Dawg. I spend a few minutes making fun of Ron Paul, and then it's all about nerd bullshit. Awesome nerd bullshit, but I would think so.





Sorry I rant in the middle of the podcast. Normally I save that for the end, but I got worked up, and it is hella late as I record, so my brain isn't working right, and I only just thought of moving the track. It's not hard to do. Take me about ten seconds. But I saved and exported the file already. I take that as my point of no return (I don't really have such a point, but it's helpful when I don't want to do something). I hope you enjoy, and can understand, the podcast anyway (I refer to my notes several times, but I eventually gave that up), and that it's not just a bunch of incoherent rambling.

Late Facts: while recording this I had that song that goes "And it feels, And it feeeeels like, Heaven's so far away" ("Gone Away", the Offspring) stuck in my head. Listening to it now is like scratching the best kind of itch. 

Keep the Faith

The Podcast:



And since I didn't feel like doing a real post, here's an excerpt from my upcoming fictional book:

Raising Kids, or: So you’ve decided to share your home with a retarded wolf for 18 years.
Kids are like retarded wolves. They run in packs, have obvious alpha and omega positions, do not care for the laws of god or man, and hunt anyone not part of the pack. For the parent it is necessary to assert status as alpha continually; kick your kid over a lot when they are learning to walk, just to let em know what’s up.

They are retarded wolves because children are useless, understand nothing, but it’s a crime to leave them out in a thunderstorm. They can’t bring in food, bitch if you make grilled cheese “wrong”, and are horrible little
miscreants. While wolves grow quickly and can support themselves after time and get along with the pack (or get kicked the fuck out) you have to keep your kid alive for 18 years, during which they go from horrible, to okay, to awful, and during the first and last stage their “pack” is either other smelly, small, abominable beasts, or teenagers. And if the fucker gets hooked on drugs or booze, you look like the bad guy if you beat it, even if it deserves it.

So that doesn't sound very wolf-like, you say. Ahh, but they bite. And they are supremely adaptable, despite constant complaints that "this sammich has too much bread". They run in packs, greet new things with hostility until said new thing has proven useful, and despise baths. So they are wolves, just not useful like wolves. You can't put them in the backyard to thin out those damn deer that eat your garden. With that in mind, I wrote this book to help parents keep a handle on the monsters.