July 16, 2013

Superman, wai- oh, fine, I guess you're busy

Man of Steel. Is a good movie. Take that, the Internet!

My dream movie of Deadliest Catch is interrupted by Superman, because apparently Kansas gets cable now. And Superman proves that there's still room for "petty asshole" in between "Super" and "Man", when he trashes a redneck's only means of transportation. Superman is for the contiguous United States, all right? Fuck off, Alaska.

Also, space flight left Superman with Flashback Syndrome, which is okay, because we still get Costner doing the "You are my son" line, which makes the whole movie worth it, if nothing else does it for you.

After Lois Lane, in a bold departure from other Superman movies, actually does stuff, the plot arrives and pisses off America. There are some trust issues and stuff, because Superman gets captured by Border Patrol, but Zod. And punching! And the slow realization that, if everyone you fight has superpowers, being a farmer for thirty years isn't much of a tactical advantage. Especially when the bad guys reenact Hurricane Katrina on Metropolis. Seriously, one scene you see thousands of people running for their lives, the next there are like six people left, and two of them have saving throws vs. death thanks to plot.

Speaking of dnd, there's a concept called "Massive Damage" that says, if you do 50+ points of damage in one hit, your enemy drops dead. And the writers play, it seems. Clark and Zod never really hurt one another in the fight, despite all the collateral damage, until Clark's able to straight-up murder Zod. Compare to the earlier fight between Zod and Jor-El, which is short, brutal, and looks like a regular ol' fight. "Invincibility" turns out to be less-than-convenient for the rest of the world.

Finally, heartbreakingly, Superman pops his murder cherry (and Zod's neck) and I run the hell out of the theater as the plague of children applauds the tormented scream of a man pushed to the brink of madness.

And then the mood is ruined when Superman trades some quips with the douchebag from Matrix Revolutions.