June 24, 2013

You can finish

"Fuck it, I'm Busy"
Yeezus, Kanye West.

Ever read the Autobiography of Malcolm X? Remember when he starts in about the Nation of Islam religion? If not, in brief it's:

Africans ruled the earth (fair enough)
A scientist/devil guy named Mr. Yacub created an evil race of white people.
Evil white people overran the earth.
You can guess where it goes from there.

Yeezus is a lot like that. A lot like that. It has nothing to do with religion (well...), and it's a different kind of crazy, but you're not hearing anything on that album less bizarre than what you read above.

June 19, 2013

Hindsight is kinda dumb

True Lies, brought to you by the good folks who made Mass Effect. Though they probably wish otherwise.

Corrupt corporations and their CEOs are everywhere, especially in the future. Imagine if you took Dick Cheney, literally anyone else with a degree of business sense, and gave them a lemonade stand,

Chaos. If Resident Evil taught us anything, it's that profitability is determined by how stupidly evil you are.

The same is true for the planet Feros, which doesn't really exist, don't worry, in Mass Effect. You'd think making shitloads of money would be enough; similarly, you'd think that being attacked by evil robots with murder on the mind would be bad enough. But it never is. Either thing.

Shepard and crew landed on Feros with high hopes, because I forgot to actually play the main game of saving the galaxy and spent like thirty levels dicking around the boonies. But here we are! Ready to rip and roar well past the point in which it will make a difference.

Fighting the Geth isn't much of a problem, though everyone keeps telling me how creepy the colonists are (personally, I think surviving weeks of constant battle while your space savior jaunts around the stars calls for a little slack there). For some reason their ship latches onto a building, but doesn't bother with safety features; prying the landing gear off the side (yes, not the roof or the goddam ground) is easier than taking a fat toddler's fingers off a fudge bar.

Shepard never has a nice day, however, so those asshole colonists attack my ship. Meanwhile I find out some random surviving scientists (nice one, murder machines) are up to no-good, so I shoot them. I could have let them live, but the leader was a real asshole, and the parts where I shoot people in the head in cutscenes are awesome.

Scientist lady gives me knockout gas to help with the colonists, which somehow makes my grenades not kill. Which is great! I save about four out of fifty. I only had three grenades, woman. To be clear, I chose the "Akuze" background for my Shepard, which means that she survived a horrendous experience while the rest of her squad was killed. I know this was tough on her, psychologically. I'm going to have to play her as a lot more crazy from now on. And guilty. I know we couldn't save them, but those dead colonists deserved better.

Finally I find a giant plant-vagina that spits a clone of an Asari (lady alien) at me. It's a real asshole, so I have to kill it. After, Asari-1 is freed. She tells me a bunch of stuff that makes me realize the writers might not have thought through their plot. And I shoot her in the head, because... wow, no one, not even my Asari teammate, normally compassionate, tries to stop me.

The colony is fucked. Scientist lady thanks me for trying, I pick up my shit, and we leave. I wonder, as I reenter my scratched-up ship (fucking colonists, I have premiums to worry about) if I could have done more. Load screen tip:

Try knocking the colonists out with Anit-Thorian gas, or by getting close and hitting them with the butt of your gun. 

June 11, 2013

The sort of stuff I imagine Space Jesus deals with

A very special "Fuck it, I'm busy" featuring Ready Player One, by Ernest Cline.

Nerd reference!
Nerd refer-

Some of you may think this is a joke, but the above does accurately and fairly summarize the book.
But if you want more...

Wesley Crusher narrates the fictional, sensationalized autobiography set in a dystopian future that honestly sounds a lot better than the one we got. Wil Wheaton rules the earth with a sweaty fist, while humanity eats virtual McDonald's.

The hate-child of every internet service provider you've ever had the displeasure of dealing with starts murdering kids, because the kids are trying to achieve the equivalent of being struck by lightning, while nailing the devil in a blue dress on a jet ski, jumping over a shark, and pulling out to discover the condom has a winning lottery ticket in it. SPOILER: the novel is based on the eighties culture, so the kids win, because Ronald Reagan made unhappy endings illegal.

Also, the hero gets the girl, but she's chubby, so it's not a full-on Revenge of the Nerds or Animal House win.

P.S. I only "summarize" things I like. I put this off for a while because, while I had the basic idea in mind, I didn't like the book at first. And while mocking shitty things is bad, I view FiIB as a sort of recommendation from me to you.
And if the above hasn't convinced you to read the book, I can tell you that the end fight is between every mecha Japan has ever thought up, MechaGodzilla, and Voltron. The author left out the Green Ranger's bitchin' dinosaur, but I forgive him.