July 16, 2013

Superman, wai- oh, fine, I guess you're busy

Man of Steel. Is a good movie. Take that, the Internet!

My dream movie of Deadliest Catch is interrupted by Superman, because apparently Kansas gets cable now. And Superman proves that there's still room for "petty asshole" in between "Super" and "Man", when he trashes a redneck's only means of transportation. Superman is for the contiguous United States, all right? Fuck off, Alaska.

Also, space flight left Superman with Flashback Syndrome, which is okay, because we still get Costner doing the "You are my son" line, which makes the whole movie worth it, if nothing else does it for you.

After Lois Lane, in a bold departure from other Superman movies, actually does stuff, the plot arrives and pisses off America. There are some trust issues and stuff, because Superman gets captured by Border Patrol, but Zod. And punching! And the slow realization that, if everyone you fight has superpowers, being a farmer for thirty years isn't much of a tactical advantage. Especially when the bad guys reenact Hurricane Katrina on Metropolis. Seriously, one scene you see thousands of people running for their lives, the next there are like six people left, and two of them have saving throws vs. death thanks to plot.

Speaking of dnd, there's a concept called "Massive Damage" that says, if you do 50+ points of damage in one hit, your enemy drops dead. And the writers play, it seems. Clark and Zod never really hurt one another in the fight, despite all the collateral damage, until Clark's able to straight-up murder Zod. Compare to the earlier fight between Zod and Jor-El, which is short, brutal, and looks like a regular ol' fight. "Invincibility" turns out to be less-than-convenient for the rest of the world.

Finally, heartbreakingly, Superman pops his murder cherry (and Zod's neck) and I run the hell out of the theater as the plague of children applauds the tormented scream of a man pushed to the brink of madness.

And then the mood is ruined when Superman trades some quips with the douchebag from Matrix Revolutions.

June 24, 2013

You can finish

"Fuck it, I'm Busy"
Yeezus, Kanye West.

Ever read the Autobiography of Malcolm X? Remember when he starts in about the Nation of Islam religion? If not, in brief it's:

Africans ruled the earth (fair enough)
A scientist/devil guy named Mr. Yacub created an evil race of white people.
Evil white people overran the earth.
You can guess where it goes from there.

Yeezus is a lot like that. A lot like that. It has nothing to do with religion (well...), and it's a different kind of crazy, but you're not hearing anything on that album less bizarre than what you read above.

June 19, 2013

Hindsight is kinda dumb

True Lies, brought to you by the good folks who made Mass Effect. Though they probably wish otherwise.

Corrupt corporations and their CEOs are everywhere, especially in the future. Imagine if you took Dick Cheney, literally anyone else with a degree of business sense, and gave them a lemonade stand,

Chaos. If Resident Evil taught us anything, it's that profitability is determined by how stupidly evil you are.

The same is true for the planet Feros, which doesn't really exist, don't worry, in Mass Effect. You'd think making shitloads of money would be enough; similarly, you'd think that being attacked by evil robots with murder on the mind would be bad enough. But it never is. Either thing.

Shepard and crew landed on Feros with high hopes, because I forgot to actually play the main game of saving the galaxy and spent like thirty levels dicking around the boonies. But here we are! Ready to rip and roar well past the point in which it will make a difference.

Fighting the Geth isn't much of a problem, though everyone keeps telling me how creepy the colonists are (personally, I think surviving weeks of constant battle while your space savior jaunts around the stars calls for a little slack there). For some reason their ship latches onto a building, but doesn't bother with safety features; prying the landing gear off the side (yes, not the roof or the goddam ground) is easier than taking a fat toddler's fingers off a fudge bar.

Shepard never has a nice day, however, so those asshole colonists attack my ship. Meanwhile I find out some random surviving scientists (nice one, murder machines) are up to no-good, so I shoot them. I could have let them live, but the leader was a real asshole, and the parts where I shoot people in the head in cutscenes are awesome.

Scientist lady gives me knockout gas to help with the colonists, which somehow makes my grenades not kill. Which is great! I save about four out of fifty. I only had three grenades, woman. To be clear, I chose the "Akuze" background for my Shepard, which means that she survived a horrendous experience while the rest of her squad was killed. I know this was tough on her, psychologically. I'm going to have to play her as a lot more crazy from now on. And guilty. I know we couldn't save them, but those dead colonists deserved better.

Finally I find a giant plant-vagina that spits a clone of an Asari (lady alien) at me. It's a real asshole, so I have to kill it. After, Asari-1 is freed. She tells me a bunch of stuff that makes me realize the writers might not have thought through their plot. And I shoot her in the head, because... wow, no one, not even my Asari teammate, normally compassionate, tries to stop me.

The colony is fucked. Scientist lady thanks me for trying, I pick up my shit, and we leave. I wonder, as I reenter my scratched-up ship (fucking colonists, I have premiums to worry about) if I could have done more. Load screen tip:

Try knocking the colonists out with Anit-Thorian gas, or by getting close and hitting them with the butt of your gun. 

June 11, 2013

The sort of stuff I imagine Space Jesus deals with

A very special "Fuck it, I'm busy" featuring Ready Player One, by Ernest Cline.

Nerd reference!
Nerd refer-

Some of you may think this is a joke, but the above does accurately and fairly summarize the book.
But if you want more...

Wesley Crusher narrates the fictional, sensationalized autobiography set in a dystopian future that honestly sounds a lot better than the one we got. Wil Wheaton rules the earth with a sweaty fist, while humanity eats virtual McDonald's.

The hate-child of every internet service provider you've ever had the displeasure of dealing with starts murdering kids, because the kids are trying to achieve the equivalent of being struck by lightning, while nailing the devil in a blue dress on a jet ski, jumping over a shark, and pulling out to discover the condom has a winning lottery ticket in it. SPOILER: the novel is based on the eighties culture, so the kids win, because Ronald Reagan made unhappy endings illegal.

Also, the hero gets the girl, but she's chubby, so it's not a full-on Revenge of the Nerds or Animal House win.

P.S. I only "summarize" things I like. I put this off for a while because, while I had the basic idea in mind, I didn't like the book at first. And while mocking shitty things is bad, I view FiIB as a sort of recommendation from me to you.
And if the above hasn't convinced you to read the book, I can tell you that the end fight is between every mecha Japan has ever thought up, MechaGodzilla, and Voltron. The author left out the Green Ranger's bitchin' dinosaur, but I forgive him.

May 29, 2013

Mine was better than yours!

Another installment in the heartpounding: Fuck it, I'm busy.

Netflix has set out to stream my childhood to me for a small monthly fee, and it's awesome. Along with Batman Beyond (the best Batproduct outside of Batman: The animated series), Justice League is available, and after watching the first three episodes ("Secret Origins") I can say it's still awesome, and considerably more weird than I remember.

With that said, here's the summary:

Batman investigates goings-on at SETI, and is beaten up by Martin Lawrence. Superman shows up and gets stomped because he's in the same frame with Batman, and no one looks cooler than the Batman. Superman forgets he was a liability in the fight and offers help again if Batman ever needs it.

The plot of War of the Worlds happens, complete with Tripods, and that draws the League together. The Martian Manhunter gets Batman killed then magics him back alive, while Superman and Hawkgirl get captured. Then everyone else gets captured, and Superman forgets he has laser vision. A Metroid appears and tentacle rapes the Manhunter, but Batman magics the aliens with science. Superman remembers he has laser vision and frees everyone, and they murder the Metroid. Because kids are dumb, and the do not kill rule only applies to people people.

Batman embezzles billions to build the Watchtower, and then decides he doesn't want it. The rest of the heroes convert to Jehovah's Witnesses and pledge to convert any aliens in the neighborhood.

The end! (...?)

May 28, 2013

Lies within lies

I've told you lies, and I'll get to that; in the meantime, however, I want to tell you lies about lies, which I haven't coined the proper terminology for. Double lies maybe? Actually, let's go with True Lies.  It makes about as much sense as anything, and I liked that movie.

I like RPGs. I prefer western RPGs, such as Skyrim, Mass Effect, Fallout, and Baldur's Gate, but I've played a few JRPGs as well. Final Fantasy X is my favorite in that area, and it has a lot going for it, but the problem is every player has the same experience. You're always Tidus, traveling with Yuna, and Auron is your badass bodyguard. Western RPGs present opportunities for things like this, or even this. To be fair, that second one is to a 4X game (empire strategy) but the way it's narrated reminds me of the opportunities in western RPGs.

And because I like it, I want you to like it. So I'll write out some "game diaries" from the games listed above. This isn't straight fiction; instead, it's nonfiction stories from my point of view about fictional stories from the protagonist's viewpoint. Does that make sense? No? Good. Here's the first installment of True Lies, starring the original Mass Effect.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Those are words you learn to live by in any game with cutscenes, or budget limitations, and Mass Effect had both. Not so you'd notice right away; but when a game dev team sets out to create an entire universe, a few planets and plots are going to get shaved down.

Which is why, as I rambled around in my minivan on some random planet, the oppressive, Venus-like atmosphere inviting me to step outside and play "crush the tin can", I knew something was wrong the instant I looked at my map. There was a spot of interest, you see. Normally, these are labelled "anomalies" or "debris" and they give you something. This one read: distress beacon.

I headed straight for it. Commander Shepard, while kind of a bitch, is a goddam hero, and she doesn't shirk her duty. Unfortunately, anti-vehicle mines were placed near the beacon. While really, painfully obviously a trap, Commander Shepard also doesn't fuck around. She grabbed her squad, exited the vehicle, and approached the last fifty meters on foot.

At which point several dozen Geth de-cloaked and fired every rocket in the universe right at my military-grade ass. I'd been playing for a while, and while my shields could take a lot of hits, I was still reduced to that pathetic sliver of health that blinks in Morse code to say: have fun reloading, asshole. I ran for it. Tali and Liara's corpses cheered me on as I yelled at the television: "Get in the van, get in the van, get in the goddam van!"

I made it, and apparently the van has a tractor beam and a defibrillator (beat that, Ford) because my squad was alive. Driving in ways that would make my bipolar driving instructor proud, I killed the Geth, turned off the beacon, and got the hell off that planet. I didn't have nukes, or I would have made sure no one would ever return.

 Epilogue: this sort of thing happens every few hours in the game.

Double epilogue: I promised a podcast this past Sunday, and didn't do it. This Sunday the podcast will resume, and I'll put up more of these and Fuck it, I'm busy's in the meantime. 

May 21, 2013

Truthin' it up

The problem with most horror movies can be summed up by comparing the goals of protagonists to those in other genres.

Adventure (Indiana Jones): explore the globe, find awesome shit, punch Nazis, save the day, set unrealistically high hopes for anyone majoring in Archaeology.

Action (The Matrix): punch the hell out of everything, look cool doing it, save the day, unravel the conspiracy, get the girl/guy.

Comedy (The Hangover): resolve goofy situation, tell jokes, try not to be Adam Sandler.

Romance: I don't think I've ever seen a straight romance (I know, phrasing). Does Romancing the Stone count? It does? Okay, try to nail Michael Douglass.

And finally

Horror: Try not to get murdered for an hour and half.

Do you see the basic problem? 

Also: the podcast will be back this week. I plan to take a week off every couple of episodes so I'm less likely to burn out (which has happened, I think, seven times now). I'll warn ye next time it happens.

May 18, 2013

Space Lies

Another episode of "Fuck it, I'm busy", featuring the new movie Star Trek: Into Darkness. In pictures. Spoilers.













THE END!...?

May 8, 2013

No, you're not

A new installment of "Fuck it, I'm busy", featuring Iron Man 3.


You're busy? You are busy? Fuck you! What are you doing with your life that's so damn important? Go see Iron Man!

Spoilers ahead, you dumb bastards.

This article got me thinking, mainly how, despite their similarities, Rises and IM3 were completely  different movies. Iron Man was good, Rises was a bat-shaped turd (if you notice your poo is bat-shaped, see a doctor immediately). And the above article helps point out, through their similarities, how one failed and the other succeeded.

The first point is internal logic. For Stark, the events of Avengers occurred a few months ago, and he's naturally sorta fucked up about nearly dying. For Wayne, Rachel Dawes died eight years ago, and I guess now we know Batman's superpower is a complete overreaction to death. There's also how they go about their jobs: Stark uses a virtual crime scene to find clues, Batman makes a superneat floor that comes out of the water. Stark uses his strengths (building shit) to overcome his weaknesses (PTSD). Batman figures out that he has to punch the end boss in the big, glowing weak point on his face.

And the villains. I can see this being a sore point for fans of either comic, but really, for the film, Iron Man's switch made sense. There are indicators throughout the movie that the Mandarin is not the real threat, that point to who he really is. And the big bad, initially set up as the dragon (search those on tv tropes if you're not sure what I mean) gets more than enough build-up to serve well as the main villain who's simply been hiding.

The switch in Rises is the film's biggest fuckup, even more so than Batman taking a couple hours to paint a giant bat on the bridge instead of finding a bomb. It's foreshadowed, by Talia asking constantly, "Hey, remember that bomb? Where's that bomb? Can you tell me how to activate the bomb?" Worse, when the switch comes, it's irrelevant. All else, aside, Iron Man's villain was competent, using the Mandarin as a distraction. Bane, seemingly the main villain in Rises, is competent, to a point - until he leaves Batman alive for no reason. That's explained away by Talia being a bigger idiot than Trevor, the actor who played the Mandarin. When a washed-up, stoner actor has more genuine menace (and is more memorable: I did not remember Talia's fake name, or much about her character) then something is wrong.

There are other similarities, but most are so superficial that they don't matter. The last one that does is the idea of the past coming back to haunt the heroes. Again, with Batman the idea falls flat. Iron Man is hit by his dickish nature, and, oddly, his intelligence, as he was able to solve, while drunk, a problem another scientist has fucked up for over a decade. Batman, meanwhile was hit by... putting criminals away? Lying about events in order to break the mob's absolute power over his city, allowing kids, like that asshole Blake (who gives Gordon shit about this) to grow up in a city where they aren't automatically slotted for murder or jail time. The idea that Batman's "sins" are coming back to haunt him makes no sense, especially as the other options are "let the bad guys win" or "blow up the city". Iron Man wins, Batman loses.

Why are you here? Go see Iron Man 3 again!

May 5, 2013

You asked, we answered... eventually

Yay, podcast

American Innovation - I think this is the article James - JR references, which is troubling. Because it's the Onion, and this indicates my new correspondent is not the best at differentiating between fact and fiction. Which makes his "I may or may not be a fictional character" comment less amusing, and more ominous.

May 4, 2013

Mark Them Calenders

Enjoy the next segment in "Fuck it, I'm busy" as I summarize From a Buick 8, by Stephen King, for your lack of reading enjoyment.

Trying to get a leg up on Toyota, Buick creates a car with more mayhem potential than a toddler with a stick. Then they park it at a gas station in rural Pennsylvania and leave. Some state cops end up with the car, and quickly discover it's magic, super science, or both (probably both, it is Stephen King writing this). After it transports a beloved officer to another world, which he never returns from, the troopers of Troop D decide that Jesus wants them keep the Tardis and turn scientist.

This group of hick cops spends several decades staring at it through dirty windows in the shed where they stashed it, using it to kill small animals, and as a bitchin' 4th of Juluau fireworks display. The experiments they conduct focus mainly on vomiting and murder, and later on telling all this as a long, rambling story to a kid who wanted to hear stories about his dead father. But to be fair, it is a Friday night in rural Pennsylvania.

Realizing that the alien machine should be turned over to proper authorities, destroyed, or just not be in the hands of a bunch of dipshits who often forget they have it, the kid takes Plan B (wink). The cop telling the story stops him, and the end.

Seriously, though.

Podcast returns tomorrow (I still have three minutes until it's technically Sunday) with a new correspondent! We're very excited to have him, and hope you will enjoy his rambling, psychotic dissertations as well.

May 2, 2013


Moving to Texas (did I mention that?) was long, arduous, and worst of all my route included Arkansas, the worst state in any Union, ever. I think we included it because it cried and Wyoming wouldn't shut up about how mean the rest of the states were being.

Worse, but not worst, was moving Bill down here too. He is a heavy bastard, and he conveniently evaded having to help (even moving his own shit) by being dead. Again! It doesn't help that Texas has fewer witch doctors than Kentucky did, and bringing him back to life took forever. But, here he is, and apparently he learned about "the internet" while in the afterlife-ish. Not sure what he thought I was doing with his reports before now, unless he has a more deluded sense of self-worth than I thought, and believed they were on television or something.

I bitch, but he is the best reporter I can afford right now.

Bill is on Twitter, because that's a thing, and he's already following Anderson Cooper, so I'm sure we'll see a lawsuit for defamation of character or outright libel at some point. If you want to follow Bill, search


or just Bill Summerson. And Godspeed. You'll need it.

April 30, 2013

Good news, Everyone

This is for Everyone, not for you.

The podcast returns this Sunday, with special news. Until then, updates containing various content with smarmy titles.

I'm considering this as a new segment, called: "Fuck it, I'm busy". In it, I'll summarize recent books, movies, and other fun things that you don't have time for, taking them upon myself instead. This week, Oblivion, starring Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, British Wife, and Space Wife.

To summarize Oblivion:

The spaceghost of Steve Jobs travels ten thousand years into the future and creates the ultimate, spacefaring Ipod. However, it loses control, and the Ipod travels back to save the Land Before Time, but is too late to rescue Littlefoot. And since, even in the future, Apple is kind of an asshole company, the Ipod decides that content for earth should be restricted to Tom Cruise and the babies he'll make with the hottest British woman Americans will see, outside of Amy Pond's actress.

It also drains the sea, because whales.

Morgan Freeman makes a delightful cameo as Space Christ, even though no one seems sure exactly why he's there. In the end, we are left thinking that Tom would have been better off with British Wife, as Space Wife is kind of a slut, and the baby he makes with her is fucking ugly.

Check back in a day or two, once I think up something else.

January 14, 2013

Things to Hate

I felt I had a pretty good run with laziness, then this happened.

Twilight is God's punishment for a sinful world (even if you've never read the book you have to deal with the people who either a) LOVE IT!!!!! or b) object to people loving it). Presumably, 50 Shades of Grey is the devil just fucking with us. Like Job, but crueler. And after reading the synopsis for the latter novel, I've found out you can hate a book you've never read.

Synopsis: a brief or condensed statement giving a general view of some subject. Regarding novels, equal parts sales pitch and summary. It has to make you want the book, by providing enough information to be useful, yet still intrigue the reader. A few examples: 

Harry Potter: Wizard kid fights magic Hitler.

Watership Down: dire prophecy drives rabbits to find a new warren, where they fight Rabbit Hitler.

The Lord of the Rings: Unusual heroes quest to destroy Satan-Hitler's source of power. 

With that in mind, let's review 50 Shades's solely by its synopsis.

"Romantic, liberating and totally addictive, Fifty Shades of Grey is a novel that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you for ever."

Ballsy claims, but hey, go big or go home.

"When literature student Anastasia Steele interviews successful entrepreneur Christian Grey, she finds him very attractive and deeply intimidating" 

Aaand I'm already angry. Aside from the retardedly vague "successful entrepreneur" bit, the second part of the sentence breaks the one rule you shouldn't - show, don't tell. It's strange that this line made it past the editors and into the synopsis, because it makes the novel sound like shitty fanfic- oh. Anyway, it wouldn't surprise me if the first lines of the book were "Christian Grey sat across from Anastasia, and she felt a deep attraction to him, yet also intimidated." Because fuck description, right?

"Convinced that their meeting went badly, she tries to put him out of her mind – until he turns up at the store where she works part-time, and invites her out.

Unworldly and innocent, Ana is shocked to find she wants this man. And, when he warns her to keep her distance, it only makes her want him more."

Plot problems. Plot problems in the goddam synopsis. Grey looks her up, asks her out, then tells her to fuck off? What? Has stupid bullshit gone airborne? And while all romance novels cater to a select audience, the fanfic vibe is even stronger here. Steele (I can't say her first name again, it kills me), inexplicably interviewing a businessman while being an English major, is convinced the plot's not going to happen. Grey shows up to make it goddam happen, saving our heroine from making a decision. Then he says no, thanks, but coherent storytelling isn't a high priority.  And we're back to the beginning of the book.

"But Grey is tormented by inner demons, and consumed by the need to control. As they embark on a passionate love affair, Ana discovers more about her own desires, as well as the dark secrets Grey keeps hidden away from public view …"

If there is a god, he's not on our side.

Telling rather than showing in that first sentence. Other than that, this would actually work as a synopsis if it stood alone. Unfortunately, it reverses the decisions of the last paragraph, and provides no context for the change. As we already know Grey pushed Steele away, the "passionate love affair" sounds like so much wish-fulfillment, and has as much credibility as a thirteen-year-old hiding a crusty sock. And fuck you, guy, for pulling "Ana" out. No. If her name is going to be as terrible as "Anastasia" you fucking well call her that. Shortening it is for pussies who committed to a retarded name before they thought it through.

And with this handy review, we now conclude that 50 Shades  must be a terrible book, because Jesus, lookit it. If they couldn't keep their shit together for three paragraphs specifically designed to make the book look good, what chance does it have?