September 17, 2012

Heroin, Frank

I Recently bought FTL, and I really like the writing. Each small encounter has the potential to benefit or destroy you. Choosing to help a civilian ship caught in an asteroid field (Star Wars style) could get you free stuff, repairs, even new crew (something you desperately need). It could also get you nothing, or damage (or destroyed!). Every encounter becomes important, and the writing gives you enough information to fill in the blanks, without making it a huge deal. You feel good for rescuing those chumps. You are dismayed when your ship blows up. Both of these things happen all the time.

And I'd like to see it in another game. A Naked Gun game set in the movie series universe starring Leslie Nielsen. The plots and characters were ridiculous, funny, and over-the-top. Kind of like GTA, except fewer hooker murders.

Which brings me to my second point. In the game, you could play in a GTA-style city, with L.A. Noire-like dialogue choices and side missions. You can go anywhere and do anything. Sometimes the radio directs you to a crime, or you catch 'em as they happen. Apprehending a speeder turns into a cross-city chase on a horse, until the perp accidentally drives into the ocean. The plot is not one, but many - dozens of big businessmen, all of whom are villains at some point (for different reasons). The queen of England comes to town. Shakespeare in the Park. You can investigate or ignore them as you wish, and good or bad things happen according to your choices. And Frank Drebin, the main character, can't figure out clues or solve crimes without player dialogue choices.

I really want this game to be real.

September 5, 2012

A solution to all problems


I don't mean knock motherfuckers out on the street. Those are just random people, and as such, their terrible behavior isn't your problem. The best thing you can do for yourself when someone you don't know pisses you off is to remember they are completely inconsequential to your life. You are the Sun God, giver and destroyer (a healthy shot of ego is necessary), and you don't care for the puny travails and pathetic squabbles of Senor Blue Suit or Captain Cockdouche. Even your hate is wasted on them.

No, the problem is with the people you know and love. And, as with all things, the solution lies in Fight Club. When Edward Norton couldn't stand being an Ikea Neo-Nazi anymore (fashionable but racist), he beat the shit out of himself. Wait: put down the chair and torch. The answer isn't a dread march on your buddy's castle.

I have a friend named Carl, and like many Carls, he can get real uppity. When it got too much, I attacked. Like a wolf in the night, or a fat man crouched in a darkened hallway, I leaped upon his back and bore him to the floor. I will never forget the screaming, but more importantly, neither will he.

Reason is for suckers.

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