January 7, 2012

Keep the Faith

The Podcast:

And since I didn't feel like doing a real post, here's an excerpt from my upcoming fictional book:

Raising Kids, or: So you’ve decided to share your home with a retarded wolf for 18 years.
Kids are like retarded wolves. They run in packs, have obvious alpha and omega positions, do not care for the laws of god or man, and hunt anyone not part of the pack. For the parent it is necessary to assert status as alpha continually; kick your kid over a lot when they are learning to walk, just to let em know what’s up.

They are retarded wolves because children are useless, understand nothing, but it’s a crime to leave them out in a thunderstorm. They can’t bring in food, bitch if you make grilled cheese “wrong”, and are horrible little
miscreants. While wolves grow quickly and can support themselves after time and get along with the pack (or get kicked the fuck out) you have to keep your kid alive for 18 years, during which they go from horrible, to okay, to awful, and during the first and last stage their “pack” is either other smelly, small, abominable beasts, or teenagers. And if the fucker gets hooked on drugs or booze, you look like the bad guy if you beat it, even if it deserves it.

So that doesn't sound very wolf-like, you say. Ahh, but they bite. And they are supremely adaptable, despite constant complaints that "this sammich has too much bread". They run in packs, greet new things with hostility until said new thing has proven useful, and despise baths. So they are wolves, just not useful like wolves. You can't put them in the backyard to thin out those damn deer that eat your garden. With that in mind, I wrote this book to help parents keep a handle on the monsters.

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