September 5, 2012

A solution to all problems


I don't mean knock motherfuckers out on the street. Those are just random people, and as such, their terrible behavior isn't your problem. The best thing you can do for yourself when someone you don't know pisses you off is to remember they are completely inconsequential to your life. You are the Sun God, giver and destroyer (a healthy shot of ego is necessary), and you don't care for the puny travails and pathetic squabbles of Senor Blue Suit or Captain Cockdouche. Even your hate is wasted on them.

No, the problem is with the people you know and love. And, as with all things, the solution lies in Fight Club. When Edward Norton couldn't stand being an Ikea Neo-Nazi anymore (fashionable but racist), he beat the shit out of himself. Wait: put down the chair and torch. The answer isn't a dread march on your buddy's castle.

I have a friend named Carl, and like many Carls, he can get real uppity. When it got too much, I attacked. Like a wolf in the night, or a fat man crouched in a darkened hallway, I leaped upon his back and bore him to the floor. I will never forget the screaming, but more importantly, neither will he.

Reason is for suckers.

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