September 27, 2010

Has this ever happened to you

I've been reading other blogs, trying to find out what they do that makes people like them, what I do that is similar, and what I can do better. And I think I've discovered that these people are just better human beings than I am.
Hyperbole and a Half for instance. Fucked if I know what it means, but it sounds good. It's an awesome blog too. And I feel bad because it took me like three weeks to come up with "House of Awesome".
Then I started reading blogs she linked to, like Steam Me Up Kid... which has this really funny account, right there on the front goddam page, about how her mouth smelled like a vagina. I laughed, and then I thought, man, I could never do something that good. And then the kinda douchey, 80s upbeat guy in me tried to cheer me up with shitty 80s music and a chorus line that's just "Sure you can!" which is no more believable than a little league baseball coach complimenting you on "good hustle".
So I thought about why I couldn't be that cool, and I considered several options:
1) I am not funny
2) They are much funnier than I am
3)They sold their souls to the devil for funny
Should I sell my soul for funny? Then a fly started buzzing around my spaghetti and pissed me off, so I spent ten minutes failing to kill it. I wished that it would die horribly, then I felt bad, 'cause how would I feel if someone wished that on me? Then it landed on my fucking fork, and all that guilt flew out the window as the smug sonofabitch sat there and spat all over my shit. What is there to like about flies? They distract you constantly, irritate wherever they land (a fly landed on me while I was asleep and I smacked the shit out of myself as I woke up), and then they have the indecency to land in your food. It's like having a little sibling, if that sibling puked over everything he touched.
I ended up failing again to kill it, and wishing death not only on the fly in question, but on his whole fucking fly family. I hoped that, if he had family, he had to watch them die in a fly house fire. Then it hit me.
I am a fly serial killer.
And that is why the other bloggers are much better people than I am.

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